In high-stakes, fast-moving industries like tech, women are frequently socialised to be approachable, supportive, and agreeable team players. But as social psychologist Dr Tessa West points out, this compulsion towards being too nice at work can end up doing far more harm than good.
When we default to generic compliments and indirect feedback to keep the peace or avoid social discomfort, we inadvertently deprive our colleagues and ourselves of actionable growth. For women navigating male-dominated engineering teams, leadership pipelines, or startup environments, dismantling this habit is essential for building real authority and psychological safety.
Anxious niceness as a defensive response to awkward or tense workplace interactions. When our physiological stress ramps up, heart rate rising, palms sweating, we naturally reach for a social buffer: polite, generic praise.
In performance reviews, peer feedback, or code reviews, this manifests as:
Underrepresented group members and racial minorities are disproportionately on the receiving end of anxious niceness. When colleagues fear appearing biased or critical, they over-compensate with inflated fluff rather than honest, constructive critiques.
In the tech industry, where marginalised engineers already face systemic barriers, “nice” feedback denies underrepresented talent the raw, direct data they need to refine their technical skills and advance into senior leadership roles.
Overcoming ingrained workplace politeness doesn’t mean becoming aggressive; it means replacing empty fluff with actionable clarity. Here is how women in tech can shift team dynamics towards constructive feedback:
1. Focus on “replacement behaviours”
Telling someone what not to do leaves a vacuum. Effective feedback focuses on what to do instead. Instead of: “This code structure isn’t working.” Try: “Let’s refactor this module into smaller utility functions to improve readability and test coverage.”
2. Start small with low-stakes, neutral feedback
Culture shift happens incrementally. Normalise giving and receiving small, low-anxiety adjustments. Offer specific, low-risk suggestions like reordering presentation slides, formatting a pull request description, or adjusting a meeting agenda. By practising specific feedback on low-stakes items, teams build muscle memory for honest delivery without spiking physical stress.
3. Pair empathy with technical specificity
Real kindness in leadership isn’t shielding people from critiques; it’s demonstrating alignment with their long-term growth. Acknowledge what was executed well with specific examples. Pinpoint the exact change needed and explain why it matters.
Framework 1: The Situation-Behaviour-Impact-Alternative (SBIA) Model
Originating as an extension of the Center for Creative Leadership’s SBI framework, this model eliminates vague fluff by anchoring feedback in observable facts and immediate replacement actions.
Framework 2: The “Feedforward” Matrix for Code & Design Reviews
To avoid getting stuck in retrospective criticism or polite validation, use this 3-part micro-template specifically tailored for async code reviews (pull requests) or design docs.
“The modular setup for the authentication hook is clean and easy to test (Validate). However, the database query inside this loop creates an N+1 problem that will degrade performance at scale (Pivotal fix). Replace this loop with a single batch WHERE IN query or use DataLoader to batch requests (Replacement action).”
